"So My Darling, Tonight I Have Made a Very Serious Decision"

In life, there are moments when you need to step back and survey the landscape of your life.  This week, I decided to take that step back. So I made a "Very Serious Decision." I've decided to withstand from dating and sex, in any form, for six months.


What made me come to this very challenging decision?  Well, that's a long story.  Somewhere in the past year, I have began losing sight of what I really want in a male companion. Somehow I gave up without even being conscience of it. I confined myself to bad relationships, flings, and then the dreaded... friends with benefits. Bad relationships alone did sufficient damage. The pain of these relationships, one in particular, wouldn't allow me to give my heart to anyone fully. Some how I convinced myself that my lying and cheating boyfriend's problems were somehow my own. That it was my fault that I wasn't loved properly. I asked myself numerous nights, why did I have to be so different from other girls? Why did the challenges of my relationships feel almost cartoon-ish in nature compared to others?  I never got my answer, so I moved on.


I moved on to flings. Sexual attraction without the emotional benefits. I must admit when I first started this phase, I thought I could live in it forever. I thought I had all the emotional comforts I needed in my friends. To a degree, I was right. My friends did comfort me on my bad days. But on one of the worst days of my life last year, when all I wanted to do was lie in someone's arms and have them tell me everything would be okay. I found that friendship had its limitations. I spent more time than you can imagine crying last year... alone. My flings couldn't console me, because I had never bothered to let them into my heart. Thoughts of love died. Thoughts of self worth. Everything fell apart... and I was so sure nothing would be right again.


So after a few months of recovery and a change in my hairstyle, I started to depend on the friends even more, especially my male friends to fill the ever expanding hole within me. There was one in particular that I thought would be able to fill the void. So we became friends with benefits.  You know the rules.... Pure sex...... No emotions... Plastic facade expressions at gatherings with other friends. "No, there is nothing happening between us." "It's just your imagination." Stuff like that. Really, I never felt so fake. A month after the benefits started, I found myself being introduced to his girlfriend. A girl he had been talking to while we were "kicking it." I hit rock bottom. The fact that a close friend could not even muster the ability to be romantically interested in me made my mind reel.


I write this now in order to let you know what the view looks like from the bottom. When you have bottomed out enough that you can't cry because disappointment is a given, you're at the bottom. When you over dress everyday in the struggle to feel wanted and beautiful, you're at the bottom. When you lose a friend because you discover how contrived and shallow he is, you're at the bottom.


So as my great grandmother said, "I am not going to sleep. I am just going to rest my eyes for a moment." I am going to rest my eyes regarding love and I hope to get a new perspective. Maybe meet someone worthwhile. I am sure on my venture there will be temptation. But until September 28 of this year, I'll just be casually existing as a single person among the crowd of couples. I am sure my misadventures will be quite fun to read.
   

Should I Marry the Ugly Guy?

   Dating is a rough sport. Somewhere in between rugby and professional football. Its easy to get bruised and beat up in the game of love. So I ask, is it acceptable to take the easy way out and compromise the long list of qualities you would like to have in husband for the security of a relationship? In short, should I marry the ugly guy?

    Recently, I compromised  my extensive list and went out with a short guy. I know you are probably reading this and thinking that's not a real compromise, but it was for me. In the past, I have been fortunate enough to only date men above six feet. But lately, there has been a slump in my dating life, so I decided to think outside of the box.  We went on our first date and we had a great time. Afterwards, my friends asked me about the date and all could say about him was that he was too short for me.

   The next day, I thought to myself am I that superficial? Why is his stature bothering me so much?  I thought to myself and finally solved the puzzle. It wasn't so much him as it was me. I was always prideful in the fact that I wasn't going to compromise for a mate. I had this ideal guy wrapped in my mind that I just couldn't let go of and he didn't fit the bill.

   I started thinking about all my friends who were all in happy relationships and I realized something that seemed kind of awful to me. They all went the safe route and compromised their "dream guy" for the security of a relationship or marriage, some at a very young age. 

    I am approaching my thirties quicker than I expected. Now I find myself in the shoes of the girls who compromised at a young age, who are now  married and have children. Women who showed off their wedding rings the day after their boyfriends proposed and said: "I know he may not be the best looking guy in the world, but he loves me."

  I asked myself. Am I going to say something similar on one of the happiest day of my life? Am I going to make a conscience compromise about my future mate?  The answer is... I probably will. The guy I marry will not be perfect. He may not be a good dancer or even a fabulous lover. He may be an average guy and not a millionaire. But more important than all that, he will love me for who I am and in return that is the least I can do for him. 

   It's time for me to grow up and stop looking to fairy tales looking for relationship advice. He may not be the handsome prince, but he may be better because he exists.


Please email me your love-full or love-less questions at: askitri@hotmail.com

Has Sex Cheapened Dating?

I would to love post the actual glorious words of my mysterious contributor "Chicka Boom", but I am currently typing this while talking to her over the phone. She asks a simple question. Has sex cheapened the act of dating? I think collectively we should all answer, YES. "Chicka Boom" believes that dating is nothing more than an extended form of payment for an act of sex. Ouch! Where has the romance gone? Did passion ever exist? I hope for my sake it did! I would hate to believe that men are that shallow or that crafty.

Chicka is fortunate enough to work in an industry where she comes in contact with questions about sex on a daily basis. Chicka works at a porn shop and often while she is waiting for customers to make their way into the store she calls me for a chat. Believe me every night is an adventure. She loves her job, but she is getting tired of men asking her the same question over and over again. "If another guy asks me if there is a easy way to get a girl in bed I'll lose it." No, guys there is no easy way to get a girl to sleep with you! It should be hard work.

In the Gen Y generation, sex has become the journey and the destination in the world of dating. Once upon a time, love was the journey and once you got to the destination you got the pot of gold, the sex. Believe me when I say I am not running some conservative blog here, but women have to start having sex on our own terms.

Take back the power ladies! Dont give it away for free, but dont give it away for money either. Mainly, because that's illegal in most states. Give it away for what most people lack these days, true sincerity. Let me put it this way. If it is really true that most guys as a rule want to make a beeline for your drawers, then find the exception that lies within every rule. Wait for the right guy. It's hard, I know, but you're lowering the value of the stock if you're giving it away for nothing in return.


Please email me your love-full or love-less questions at: askitri@hotmail.com