"So My Darling, Tonight I Have Made a Very Serious Decision"

In life, there are moments when you need to step back and survey the landscape of your life.  This week, I decided to take that step back. So I made a "Very Serious Decision." I've decided to withstand from dating and sex, in any form, for six months.


What made me come to this very challenging decision?  Well, that's a long story.  Somewhere in the past year, I have began losing sight of what I really want in a male companion. Somehow I gave up without even being conscience of it. I confined myself to bad relationships, flings, and then the dreaded... friends with benefits. Bad relationships alone did sufficient damage. The pain of these relationships, one in particular, wouldn't allow me to give my heart to anyone fully. Some how I convinced myself that my lying and cheating boyfriend's problems were somehow my own. That it was my fault that I wasn't loved properly. I asked myself numerous nights, why did I have to be so different from other girls? Why did the challenges of my relationships feel almost cartoon-ish in nature compared to others?  I never got my answer, so I moved on.


I moved on to flings. Sexual attraction without the emotional benefits. I must admit when I first started this phase, I thought I could live in it forever. I thought I had all the emotional comforts I needed in my friends. To a degree, I was right. My friends did comfort me on my bad days. But on one of the worst days of my life last year, when all I wanted to do was lie in someone's arms and have them tell me everything would be okay. I found that friendship had its limitations. I spent more time than you can imagine crying last year... alone. My flings couldn't console me, because I had never bothered to let them into my heart. Thoughts of love died. Thoughts of self worth. Everything fell apart... and I was so sure nothing would be right again.


So after a few months of recovery and a change in my hairstyle, I started to depend on the friends even more, especially my male friends to fill the ever expanding hole within me. There was one in particular that I thought would be able to fill the void. So we became friends with benefits.  You know the rules.... Pure sex...... No emotions... Plastic facade expressions at gatherings with other friends. "No, there is nothing happening between us." "It's just your imagination." Stuff like that. Really, I never felt so fake. A month after the benefits started, I found myself being introduced to his girlfriend. A girl he had been talking to while we were "kicking it." I hit rock bottom. The fact that a close friend could not even muster the ability to be romantically interested in me made my mind reel.


I write this now in order to let you know what the view looks like from the bottom. When you have bottomed out enough that you can't cry because disappointment is a given, you're at the bottom. When you over dress everyday in the struggle to feel wanted and beautiful, you're at the bottom. When you lose a friend because you discover how contrived and shallow he is, you're at the bottom.


So as my great grandmother said, "I am not going to sleep. I am just going to rest my eyes for a moment." I am going to rest my eyes regarding love and I hope to get a new perspective. Maybe meet someone worthwhile. I am sure on my venture there will be temptation. But until September 28 of this year, I'll just be casually existing as a single person among the crowd of couples. I am sure my misadventures will be quite fun to read.